w a r n a p i l i h a n m u ?

Jeju Island - South Korea

Apa pun pengabadian warna pilihanmu, pastikan ianya sentiasa terang. Jadilah diri sendiri. Buatlah jiwamu bebas tanpa harus terpaku pada sesuatu.

I am someone who is disillusion/jaded with love. I stand by my statement when I wrote love is such a fleeting feeling. Yes, there is the 'love' that exists between single people that can lead to marriage and then the love within the honeymoon period. However, at this moment, at this time, I can say that I don’t believe in love that transcends the wear and tear of time. I do believe in lust though. I think to some extent lust induces love as I don't think love really exist. Because once the lust is not there anymore, love will be fleeting. Look at the number of divorces, unwed mothers and out of wed-lock sexual encounters.I believe I've been through a lot and I’ve seen a lot too, that I think love without iman will be very hard to sustain/nurture. Why so many marriages crumble, or the marriage last but it is because of the children. If it is love between a husband and a wife, then how come some of them who have been married for some years and have a few kids in tow said most of the conversations they have with their partners now are about their children. Does the individual ceased to exist, now it is the child did this, the child did that, what about how's your day dear or what would make you content dear.For someone that is so much in love with your partner, do tell me how you would feel 5 years from now. Or can you remember who was your love 5 years ago. Yes, there are exception to the rule, there are people who actually found someone who loves them for who they are and the gesture is returned.Note: The only love that I can somehow believe in is the love between the child and the parents. That’s it. That’s the only love that I believe transcended all boundaries and expectations. That kind of love comes from the heart. (For this rambling I’m excluding the love between us and our maker/prophet).I think if I can keep my partner interest and command his respect that would be enough for a start. I have stop believing Or is it may be I don't want to be vulnerable and saddled with the expectation/responsibility of love. Sad reality or I've embraced the hard truth...

Yoeido Park - Seoul

I am someone who is disillusion/jaded with love. I stand by my statement when I wrote love is such a fleeting feeling. Yes, there is the 'love' that exists between single people that can lead to marriage and then the love within the honeymoon period. However, at this moment, at this time, I can say that I don’t believe in love that transcends the wear and tear of time. I do believe in lust though. I think to some extent lust induces love as I don't think love really exist. Because once the lust is not there anymore, love will be fleeting. Look at the number of divorces, unwed mothers and out of wed-lock sexual encounters.

I believe I've been through a lot and I’ve seen a lot too, that I think love without iman will be very hard to sustain/nurture. Why so many marriages crumble, or the marriage last but it is because of the children. If it is love between a husband and a wife, then how come some of them who have been married for some years and have a few kids in tow said most of the conversations they have with their partners now are about their children. Does the individual ceased to exist, now it is the child did this, the child did that, what about how's your day dear or what would make you content dear.

For someone that is so much in love with your partner, do tell me how you would feel 5 years from now. Or can you remember who was your love 5 years ago. Yes, there are exception to the rule, there are people who actually found someone who loves them for who they are and the gesture is returned.

Note: The only love that I can somehow believe in is the love between the child and the parents. That’s it. That’s the only love that I believe transcended all boundaries and expectations. That kind of love comes from the heart. (For this rambling I’m excluding the love between us and our maker/prophet).

I think if I can keep my partner interest and command his respect that would be enough for a start. I have stop believing Or is it may be I don't want to be vulnerable and saddled with the expectation/responsibility of love. Sad reality or I've embraced the hard truth...

Tiba-tiba teringat apa ustaz aku cakap, kita hidup ni tak lama. Masa baru lahir, kita diazankan di telinga kanan dan di iqamatkan di telinga kiri. Nanti sebelum jenazah kita di kebumikan, kita akan disembahyangkan. Ustaz tuh kata, cuba ingatkan diri, berapa ketika yang berlalu antara azan dan sembahyang. Macam itulah lamanya/sekejapnya masa kita di dunia ini.

-Tersentak sekejap-

p/s : when the time comes, we'll go. the question is how do we want our soul to part from the body - screaming in pain or sailing peacefully towards the light? we decide by the way we live our moment now.

Sakura - Yoeido Park

scent of passion lost..

It is the normal afternoon malee on a Thursday. Orderly chaos of people trying to get their meals, drinking their drinks and chatting up their friends.

I sat at the edge, in a corner, watching, listening, the white noises of the world.

I usually do not mind being by myself. In fact I find it easier to breath and to think when I’m alone; let loose all those tranquil cacophony that pass as neuron pulses in my brain.

But unfortunately, this moment is not as such. I find the calmness eluded me. I’m not sure why but somehow today it bothers me that I feel isolated from the dins.

a recalcitrant glitch on the things that I kept locked deep in the recess of my soul. a memory of something that is not supposed to see the light of days ever again.

At this moment, it matters not that I study abroad. It matters not that I had the opportunity to travel and experience other cultures. It matters not that I graduated from a good school with an above average results. It matters not that I am fit and glowing with pink health. It matters not…

None of these and those mattered when all I want at this very moment is to be on top of that stairs, spending my time with you, watching you smiling, inspiring me with your thoughts and emotions, soothing my life and calming my passion for you. And at that moment knowing that the fluttering feeling of love is possible, though it was impossible. Painful. But feasting on your presence, quenching my parched heart of hunger. Hungry for an acknowledgement that I am, even for a moment of a heartbeat, is love by a woman, a decent, kind-hearted, lovely woman.

What I would not give to be on top of that stairs again, knowing none that I can pay up, not my tears, not my blood, not my soul, can be exchange for an eternity of that moment, a heartbeat of love requited.

As i grow older... i noticed that i keep on doing stupid and unthinkable stuff which i couldn't imagine doing it 10 years ago.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I think i'm going insane... by just doing things, without thinking.. or just using my knee as the brain.. and then later regret on the outcome / consequences. It's been happening a lot lately to the extent, i keep on questioning myself over and over again - why did i do it in the first place, what the hell is wrong with me, what was i thinking etc

Is it true that when people said, as u grow older.. u'll be more mature and know how to handle life better?

Perhaps, i'm just different. Too different.

i love ulat gonggoks.

its just the cutest wittle thingie ever! touch, curl up, touch curl up!

hehehe!!

My body clock is running wild. My timetable has gone haywire. I mean to the opposite extreme as compared to my daily timetable. Gone are the days when i wake up at 3am. Gone are the days when i go to sleep at 12am. Gone are the days when sleep was actually enough. Gone are the days when i feel fresh at 3am. Gone with the wind. But no, i’m not complaining. Because i know, i’m trading this routine for something else in return. Something that puts a smile on my face.

My recent encounters with she got me thinking out loud bout few things (Psst.. you know what i mean. hehehehe). And one of it was about human’s emotional behaviour. I like to observe how people i know behave to different elements and situations in their life. I find it really interesting how 2 people would react rather differently in an exact same situation. Why in particular ‘people i know’ is because knowing them gives me an insight to what may actually influenced them to such emotional behavioural response. I mean, watching strangers works just fine by me but the ambiguity surrounding strangers gives rise to more doubtful speculation than probable cause. But of course, if facts were really the heart of the matter, then the best way to shut ambiguity away would be me being the guinea pig of my own observations. At least i know that deep down, if im being honest with myself, i can differentiate moments when im being true to myself and when im sugar coating things for the sake of self-comfort.

Some people i know are like raw eggs. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by people they trust, they start to fall apart. They tend to remind me of the song All or Nothing by Cher.

Some other people i know are like jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. The have no emotional barriers and they are often easily manipulated and used by others. These people tend to remind me of the song Sindrom A Minor.

And other people i know are like onions. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer, when and under what circumstances. They also know at which layer to stop before they get scared. Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others at each different layers, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

Onions do not practise universal mistrust of others. They are simply discerning people who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to got to the next layer with another person.

The happiest people i know are onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner. And they know exactly when to bring such people to the next layer.

(i)
Mereka lakukan semua atas nama cinta. Mungkin tidak sampai hajat, walau setelah menempuh berjenis pertelingkahan dan debat. Masing-masing mahu tegakkan keinginan dan anjurkan bangga.

Tetapi mereka sendiri tidak tahu apa yang dia rasa, apa yang dia mahu. Dalam kesibukan perang politik, media, empati dan manusia kesayangannya.

(ii)
Kadangkala kita tidak tahu hari ini akan membawa kita ke mana. Siang, selepas membuka mata dari lena, kita sudah ada rutin yang menggerakkan mobiliti kita - bertujuan, bertempat, ikut masa. Namun, sekerap mana, objektif hidup disemak oleh minda dalam sehari? Mungkin sekali dua, ketika mandi atau sebelum ke tempat kerja, ataupun ketika masuk tidur. Jadi, selain masa itu, apa yang kita ingat, apa yang ingin dilaku, di mana segala tumpu?. Bayangan samar kan.

Dan bila sesekali aku terasa dan berendam saat kelam ini, aku sentiasa beringat. Dalam kesamaran ini pasti ada nur, didampingi gembira dan membongkah senyum tawa.

Mungkin dalam kesamaran itu, ada bahagianya.

Dear Zakirah,

It's hurt when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them. It hurts so much that when you cry tears doesn't even help. It's sad how things change. Isn't it?

That's what we called life aye?A roller coaster. It's got its ups and downs, but in the end it was worth it. Be patient with life, despite its cruelty.

I'll bet you've had about enough of people telling you how strong you are and how strong you are doing during this awful, difficult period of your life

I hope those hardship make you realize now that every hardship in your life or relationship has provided an opportunity for more soul growth. The low spots in your relationship, the times you didn't feel love, gave you so much more gratitude for the love that was and is there all the time. Every dark time has allowed you to more deeply appreciate and experience the light that is within you. Every argument, every tense moment, every sad time has, by its very contrast, brought renewed appreciation of the times of love.

If you can only be more patient with and accepting of the difficulties in life, you will more deeply receive the gifts and blessings of life. Sometimes it took you a long time and much painful boomeranging of your expectations to finally understand the real meaning of life.

What's the problem with being childish sometimes? There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. It's only that when you were a child, you spake as a child, you acted as a child, you understood as a child, you thought as a child, but when you grew older, you should put away silly childish things.

During this difficult period of life I do believe all you need is just a loving hand to hold and a caring heart to understand. Treat him well. Tell him how much you care and appreciate him.

Till then.

Bunch of loves n cares from Seoul.

(i) Beritahu aku. Dunia berputar mengelilingimu atau kamu yang berputar mengikuti dunia itu. Pilih. Pilih satu.

(ii) Encik Lah, bukan menteri-menteri itu saja yang harus isytihar harta kekayaan mereka. Keluarga serta saudara mara mereka juga. Bukankah itu cabang kronisme yang rakyat tidak suka? Hanya orang yang bodoh saja yang akan simpan kekayaan (hasilan kedudukan, status dan kuasa) mereka di dalam keluarga untuk dengan sukarela diisytiharkan kepada semua mata.

(iii) Aduh! Siapa yang meminggirkan nasib orang Melayu? Orang cina yang kaya raya dan rajin-rajin itu? Atau orang Melayu itu sendiri yang gagal meraih peluang, berkorban dan segan dengan kekayaan? Walau dengan ketiadaan bantuan pun, ramai orang Cina berjaya, kenapa tidak orang melayu yang selalu disalurkan dengan pelbagai habuan? Apa? Orang Melayu bangsat yang di atas makan semua hidangan??

(iv) Apa yang kamu lakukan untuk memudahkan kehidupan mereka yang susah hari ini?

Boy : Last time I saw you, you called me a liar.

Girl : Things have changed. I believe you now

Jeju Island - Ren Shen & Chin Pey

Do you guys remember the song Every Hurt by REM. This song comes to mind because I feel so much sadness in people around me. Yes, there are some who are happy, but their happiness are overshadowed by the sadness that I can feel permeating every nook and cranny of my life.

My life is ok, but I become sad as I see people around me struggling with their lives with every imaginable problems. The most I can do is listened to their account of sorrows, and if I could I would help in other ways too. But sometimes it feels that what I’m capable of doing is not enough. This is when I sit on the sejadah and pled with God.

I wish to all the people around me, you will find the strength to stand up again and in the mean time I’m here if you need me.

My prayers for what small comfort it can gives will always be for you.

Seoul - Snowing

I read in one of our newspapers that a normal person carries dried up faeces to the crappy amount of 2 to 4kg (an interesting fact if my memory served my correctly). It further stated that chronic constipation sufferer could load up to 10 kg. I guess from now onwards, if someone accuses me with “you are a load of crap”, I should not take offense. After all the person is only telling the truth, right.

Endah Villa - Oktober 2006

Keluhan seterusnya.

Seandainya manusia dapat memahami betapa besarnya makna setiap barisan ayat ringkas yang timbul ini. Bagus kan. Jadi tidaklah mereka terlepas apa yang ingin aku sampaikan. Apa yang ingin aku detikkan, buat mereka perasan.

Misal aku tulis "Lidah lagi tajam dan berbisa dari keris yang ditusuk ke dada".

Ayat biasa didengar bukan. Yang sekalirap sudah difahami maksudnya. Tapi. Tapi adakah mereka yang membaca dapat mengaitkan ungkapan itu ke dalam konteks diri mereka. Sebagaimana aku cuba menghuraikan kedalaman natijahnya kepada diriku. Baru ayat mudah itu difahami dan dimengertikan sebagaimana ia ingin dimengertikan.

Namun, adakah mereka yang membaca ada masa untuk memikiri dan membuat semua itu. Selalunya manusia membaca blog picisan ini untuk sekadar membaca. Tertakung bacaan itu di minda tetapi tidak sampai ke dalam jiwa. Tidak menjadi bahan sentuhan jiwa yang komunal.

Jika sesuatu ayat pendek mampu ditangguk nilainya yang dalam jiwa, alangkah bertuahnya. Bertuahnya akulah. Justeru, tidak payahlah aku kerap-kerap mengeluh bahan yang sama di sini berkali-kali, lantas menjadikan wacana seperti ini wadah yang mendatangkan katarsis untuk diri sendiri. Untuk beranggapan dan berharap ada di antara mereka yang di luar sana, persis berfikiran dan berperasaan sepertiku.

Katarsis yang self-healing, mungkin?

Everland - Seoul

"Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like,
because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

What if the person that u love doesn’t love u back the way u want it to be? Would it be worth to love someone without expecting anything in return? Even the least we could expect is to love me the way i love u? And within the same period of time, u met someone else that u like/fancy and that someone likes u back, probably there’s a chance of something might develop from there? Which way would u choose? Round the circle and back to square one?

Have u ever been caught in such situation? Where u have to choose. Make the ultimate choice on which way to go. To stay or to leave. To hold on or to let go. Well, i guess everyone has their own reason for the choice that they have to make. It's either for the sake of themselves or for the sake of everyone around them. Is it worth gambling such risk? Probably it is. Even for short term happiness. And it would be a lifetime bonus for long term happiness. Lucky bastards. And who wouldn't want that? Huh.

But the question is, would u ever know whether u make the right choice? Such risk.

Jeju Island - 2006

5 weird things about ME.

1.
I read everything, anywhere + anytime (but not in my sleep, duh). Even while eating tosei at mamak or roti bakar at fav kopitiam. From the smallest flyers lying on the floor or even old newspaper found on the coffee table pun, i baca. Even if it's outdated. Even if it's boring. Even it's stupid or ntah apa2.
2.
I read magazines and newspaper from back to front. From the last page to the front page. Not like i read sports column in the paper pun. Or even bother to notice the perfume/comp/hp ad at the back cover of any mag.
3.
I don't eat meat. Any form of meat. Be it raw, half cooked, fried or whatever. satay ker. nasi goreng daging ker. Daging masak merah ker. So u wanna dig any secret from me, u can strap me to the chair and force me to swallow meat. Or juz hold my jaw with apit G and masukkan daging into my mouth. I'll tell u everything. Like every single thing. But i can eat daging burger.Kalau xmakan daging burger tak tau la.Hilang satu nikmat tu
4.
I can never stay focus at one topic. I'll sway from topic A to topic B and topic C at the same time and then jump back to topic A. Ppl get confused easily coz they alwiz thought whenever i asked them question while still discussin topic B and C, where else i was referring to topic .
5.
I can eat chocolate at anytime of the day. Even when i juz woke up from my sleep, brush my teeth, wash my face and eat choc straight away. Even at 6 in the morn.

PLEASE KEEP THESE INFO TO URSELF ONLY. IT'S BETWEEN U AND ME.

Scrapped by Zakirah
This is so lovely!! great colors!Thanks for scrapping!

Dear diary,
It's been a while last i dated you. When was it? Dinasour years ago, huh? Sorry, been slacking. A LOT. Do you miss me? Yeah, the same. I missed you too. A LOT actually. Damn, I've been using loads of A LOT lately. That's not good, aye? Lack of vocab or i just became more stupid.

Anyway I feel much calmer since the last entry. Things had finally fall into places. Even though it's only been just a week, but at least i feel that my heart is finally at ease. I'm not saying that my life is super perfect right now cause i still have lots of occasional worries to be worried.

Noticed that when i feel content with my current state of life - i don't blog as much as i would before.The first few entries since the birth of this blog were full of anger, trying to make some sense on why did the break-up happen in the first place. Why things don't fall into places the way u want it to be. But in the end, you just look back and it wouldn't matter anymore cause the more you try to dig on the truth, you are just putting yourself in the same trap/circle again. And you'll be stuck there forever. So i came out from that hole and I'm breathing on my own (not like i need and oxy tank to breathe better) but i would like to conclude that I'm happy on my own. I learn to love myself back. And I'm responsible with my own happiness.

(i)
Kau tahu, bila kita terlalu mahu melakukan terlalu banyak perkara dalam suatu masa, mahu mencapai terlalu banyak impian dalam usaha yang bersela, ada banyak perkara yang secara tidak sengaja boleh diterabaikan. Perkara-perkara sampingan yang nilai pentingnya berat, yang sebelum ini selalu diambilkira.

(ii)
Menulis secara general mampu memberi dua reaksi ekstrem berbeza. Satu, mereka yang membaca diberi ruang tafsiran yang luas dan tidak tersekat. Terbuka untuk mengambil butir tulisan dan dimasukkan ke dalam acuan atau konteks fikiran mereka. Mungkin intipati yang diutara lebih mudah untuk dikaitkan dengan pelbagai keadaan. Dua, mereka yang membaca tidak tahu langsung simbolika dan kesinambungan baris-baris ayat. Clueless. Mati akal? Jika ayat pertama gagal dibaca, apatah lagi memahami maksud sebenar ayat-ayat seterusnya. Minat untuk membaca mati.

Jadi siapa yang rugi?

Sindorim - Seoul

Dear Wenning

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friend like you at a distance; you make the latitudes and longitudes.

Miss You

All the Best !

It has been a few moons that I last looked at blogsphere. I do have opinions about things but somehow the act of sitting down and arranging cluttered thoughts proved to be too daunting.

p/s : sorry guys..bz with junior's orientation and pindah rumah.