How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

(i)
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

(ii)
Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

Rain - Somewhere - Seoul

26 April - Saturday

It’s 3.16 a.m. and it has just started to rain. I’ve got at 4.00 p.m. football match today and I can’t seem to sleep. I’m anxious perhaps? I don’t know. Disappointed perhaps? Not really, I don’t think so. Mad then? Doesn’t seem like it.

But I’m tired. That much I know very well. I’m feeling it on my waist and hip. It’s that feeling of being drained out.

Suddenly I feel rather mellow. The rain is becoming heavier. The heavy downpour suddenly gives me the creeps. I don’t really know why. But then again, I don’t think I wanna know why. I don’t even wanna think about it.

Why does it rain tonight? I can’t recall the last time it rained at night. It didn’t rained in Seoul very often, did it? I can’t remember. I can’t seem to recall.

The rain triggered some thoughts. Deep thoughts. Deep but trivial I think. Why? Coz it didn’t seem like it mattered much. Seems like? Yeah. You’re assuming? No, I’m guessing. Isn’t it the same? I don’t know. Perhaps. Does it matter? What? The assuming or the guessing or the knowing?

Made me termenung for a moment there while I’m typing this out.

Do you know that feeling when you’re looking, staring at something but you’re not actually looking at it? It’s like you’re looking through it but it’s not exactly see-through so literally you’re not looking through it. Just looking at it actually but yet, as if beyond it. It’s like me staring at my fingers now, typing all these words away while my eyes is pretty much stuck at the Y-key, T-key and the H-key. I’m conscious of what I’m doing but yet I’m not really there. Do you know what I’m trying to say? Does it even make any sense?

Does it have to make any sense?

The rain is slowing down. It’s getting softly. Gentler. The kind that reduces your heartbeat. The type that calms you down. That type. That kind of rain.

There are things we do, that we just do, for the sake of doing it. We don’t really question ourselves why we do it. We don’t bother. We just know that we do it. Do we have to do it? Not sure actually. We never really question it. Does it matter? What? Doing it or questioning it? Don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t know. But then again, do I really want to know? Is it worth knowin? Would it make any difference as to how I would wake up tomorrow morning? Well, actually yes. It would probably make me wake up late. But then again, you’re already sleeping late tonight. What difference does it make? I don’t know. Will it make a difference? Difference on what? The waking up late? Yeah, what else. I don’t know. Could be the sleeping late.

The rain is getting heavier again. It rushes my blood all through my veins. I can’t relax now. I’m sitting up already.

Why do I feel this way tonight? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But then again, I don’t think I want to know. Do I need to know? Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Can’t I just freely feel what I want to feel? Why do I keep having to question myself? Why do I need certainty? Why do I need to be sure all the time? Why?

Because we all know that we live in a word of uncertainty. Some sense of it would make us feel we’re somehow in control of one thing in this uncertain world of ours. It’s an illusion of control actually. It’s not even actual control. Just an illusion of it.

That’s the problem with us all. We believe in the illusions of things, of matters and of everything around us. We are the biggest illusionists to ourselves. We concoct up an illusion of what we want or what we think to suit our need for self-comfort. We are the biggest feeder of illusions to our soul. We are masterminds. Everyday. Every time. We know nothing is certain but yet, we still want to believe in it.

What are we? We are nothing but liars.

The only thing in life that is certain is our history. That’s solid certain. Nothing you can do will shake the certainty out of it. And there’s no need for illusions when it’s certainty. So, history carries no illusions. It’s real. All real. Just real. Realsm.

At the same time, I’m quite certain I’m wasting my time with this entry. But then again, no, I don’t think so. I think I do have a point to make across. Do I? I think I do. How certain are you that you do? Almost certain, actually. In what sense? You’re still reading aren’t you? Yeah, of course I am. That’s because you’re still typing it. So what if I stop typing? Then I’ve got no choice but to stop reading. Why do you have to stop? Because I won’t have anything to read.

True. I need an audience and you need a star. Don’t we complement each other? We do. You think so? I know so. How sure are you? I’m sure. Why do you say that? Say what? The complement part or the knowing for sure part? Both.

What’s perfect is not about how alike you are. Or how you are an exact clone of one another. It’s never that. Perfectness is about matching. It’s about needing and providing. It’s about giving and taking. It’s about charging and retracting. That’s what perfect match is all about. It’s the complementing. Like the Yin and Yang symbol. They match, perfectly. They need one another. They complement one another. That’s perfect.

Perfect is about your differences uniting you as one. Two becomes one. Unity. A match. Perfect match. Perfect.

Don’t you think we’re perfect?

5.43 a.m

Insadong

Ketika mimpi-mimpi sederhana kami hampir wujud menjadi kenyataan…Ketika keinginan untuk merawat bunga di taman hati telah kami mulai……… Maka, saat itulah sujud syukur kami aturkan kepada-Nya, kerana hanya Dia yang mampu menegarkan kaki-kaki kecil kami dalam menapaki jalan ini………

Basikal oh Basikal
Seoul

Manusia jadi defensif bila mereka rasa kedudukan mereka tergugat. Terancam. Boleh juga mereka bertindak sedemikian bila mereka merasakan diri mereka bersalah atau mungkin dipersalahkan. Meskipun, belum tentu lagi mereka sebenarnya bersalah.

Manusia jadi defensif kerana mereka mahu orang mendengar alasan mereka. Atau mahu orang menyetujui apa yang mereka rasa, buat dan fikir, selalunya. Mereka bina pagar kebal untuk senang menyangkal.

Namun begitu, jika difikirkan lagi, manusia yang laju dan konfiden meluahkan pendapat dan menegaskan pendirian, sebenarnya juga seunsur defensif. Menyerang tanggapan orang sekeliling untuk menidakkan tanggapan luar yang mungkin membuat kesimpulan liar terhadap diri mereka. Mereka tegar dan tegas, walau jauh dalam diri mereka tercabar dan peribadi berdebar.

World Cup Stadium Park


Won’t it be nice if my dreams jumped into reality?

I know most people would be aware of the old movie titled Orang Minyak. Orang Minyak mission, i.e. practical assignment to complete his 'degree', if I'm not mistaken, was to go about undressing 44 maidens (who must be in deep slumber). This orang minyak **guy, would go in search of the maiden, in the nude with his body lathered with minyak hitam.

**a guy gets to be oily orang minyak, while girl gets to be cool Mystique. yumss..

I guess these days, requirements such as that would be very hard to complete. Isu harga minyak yang mahal to waste unnecessarily, and the potential problem in removing the oil slick in time to go to work, to avoid the jam, might prove to be too much.

And walaupun unmarried maiden are abundant, methinks that maidenhead would be a scarce commodity, what with young girls, some as young as 13, are doing the lambada.

With HIV figure continues rising, STD rampant, kang tak pepasal kena AIDS or gonorrhea. ish,tak berbaloi.

Click the pic for larger view

Can people predict the future with cards?My mom can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my dad gets back home.^^

Your arms were always open when I needed a hug. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly. I wish I could sit here and give you words to describe what my mother means to me. There aren't enough words in the dictionary. I don't know how she did it.

I need to do some self cleansing for the soul real soon. Seeing how fuctup my life is at the moment.. i so need a break. A short one. Something that helps to keep my feet on the ground. CONSTANTLY.

6.42 a.m - ZZzz

Did you catch that one particular episode of X-Files where Mulder met this genie and subsequently she granted him his 3 wishes, each in its own warped kinda way. One wish of which Mulder wished for a world where there is no war, only everlasting peace, and she granted him that wish, only Mulder to find himself living in the world alone, everlasting peace indeed.

Just to relate to that, I think I have a morbid way of getting my wishes too. Sometimes I believe my brain pulled a prank on me, showing that it too has a sense of humor. My brain probably thinks that I need to light up, thus it 'helped' me to get my wishes, albeit in weird ways.

Anyway, who am I to question my brain reacting subconsciously to answer my own wishes right. Hmm, just like what MIV like to quote from that book of his, ""when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". However, in my case, it is not the universe, it is just my subconscious 'giving' me what my heart desires.

Let me illustrated, as there were a few incidents that smelt a tad too fishy.

1. June 2005 - My cousin's car has dual airbags both for the driver and the passenger. I was very, very curious on how airbag would function. I think I asked around how it would work and I could not stop thinking about it; you know the mechanics of the how and the when.

Fascinatingly yet inopportunely I got a live demonstration when about 2 weeks from the day I started to nose around I was involved in an accident. I was not going that fast, may be around 60km/hr on Jalan Loke Yew (at that time that road kan jam memanjang), but I was distracted and I didn't get a chance to react properly when the car in front of me stopped suddenly.

Wallawei, first hand experience on how the air bag would be activated at the moment of impact. Cool. Though it was too fast for the brain to actually record a blow-by-blow account of it. All I remember were the slight chest pain from the impact of the airbag hitting my chest and slight burn from the jarring impact of the seat belt. My cousin's slightly over a year old car was out of service for a few months just so my brain can satisfy my thirst (wish) for knowledge. But nevertheless, I live to tell the tale.

to be continued in the next posting..

I wish a wish for u.Its a wish I wish for few.The wish I wish for u is that all ur wishes come true so keep wishing as my best wishes are always with u. All the best in your exam!

I grabbed a coin,

Flipped it in the air & said,
“Head, I go to sleep.”

Tail, I watch a movie.

If it stands on the edge I’ll study:p

World Cup Stadium Park - Seoul

Aku tahu kamu berdua malu,tapi mahu

World Cup Stadium Park

Apa yang dicari sebenarnya?
keinginan kita?
keinginan dia?
atau keinginan Dia?

World Cup Stadium Park - Haneul Park

(i)
Terima kasih Tuhan,
Untuk setiap detik bahagia dan sedihku, aku tak dapat mengatakan yang lain kecuali rasa syukur.

(ii)
Terima kasih mama,
Untuk namaku yang kau sebut di setiap doamu, untuk setiap dongeng yang kau ceritakan menjelang tidurku, dan setiap harapan yang kau bisikan dalam mimpiku.

(iii)
Terima kasih Ayah,
Untuk setiap titis keringat yang kau korbankan,untuk setiap semangat yang kau tanamkan,
akan ku buktikan bahawa aku mampu.

(iv)
Terima kasih Adik,
Untuk ejekanmu dan semua tingkah bodohmu,untuk setiap gurauan dan perhatianmu,meskipun aku jarang mengatakan ini padamu,aku bangga dan sayang padamu,jangan menyerah dalam langkahmu.

(v)
Terima kasih Teman,
Untuk setiap tawa,untuk setiap tangan yg membantu,setiap telinga yang kalian pinjamkan,tanpa aku banyak berkata,aku tahu kalian pasti mengerti.

(vi-i))
Dan untuk Kamu,
meskipun kamu tidak tahu dan tidak menyedari,kamu salah satu alasan aku tetap semangat melangkah,mengingatmu membuat aku tersenyum sekaligus membuat aku menangis,
tapi tidak mengapa selama kamu bahagia aku akan tetap tersenyum,

(vi-ii)
terima kasih untukmu juga,
perjuangkan dia untuk mimpi-mimpi yang akan kau buat nyata.


p/s : tu dia ayat..jiwang nyer..adeh

World Cup Stadium Park - Haneul Park

(i)
Back then when i was 7, LOVE was supposed to be easy and simple.
At 17, LOVE is so overrated and corrupted. with all sorts of nonsense.
It took me 10 years to realize that. Wasted.
Don't worry, only for now. I might change my mind later.

(ii)
Sometimes u juz wish u could quit the opposite sex altogether.
BUT
can live with 'em and can't live without 'em.
SO
choose wisely.
COZ
u don't wanna wake up someday and regret it for the rest of ur life.

World Cup Stadium - Haneul Park

Whenever u r doing things on ur own / alone, probably doing your fav things (even if it's in the toilet doing number 2), ur mind started working and wondering. And u started writing of things that happened during the day or whatever that came across ur mind that required some thinking but only that it's written in ur head, so that u could make some quick analysis of the whole picture while doing whatever u r doing at that point of time. I know i usually ended up writing a lengthy one coz whenever i'm done, my mind get exhausted easily. Talk about multitasking. Huh.

So i log on, trying to blog and recall whatever i've written in my head earlier on, only to stare at the screen blankly for the longest time. And that happened like more than 5-6 times yesterday. And i end up logging out from blogger.com. And started surfing on something else.

Angin kuat woi~!

Hahaha..i cant stop laughing reading this essay written by my brother for his oral test..rasa bangga pun ada gak sebenarnye.. eheh..got this from my cousin..syhh ~ don't tell him.

Good morning to teacher and friends.

I’m sure that everyone here loves their own family. To me family is very important. When you are sad you can throw all your sadness to them because i believe they are the only person who will be there when you feel down, give us support and help get our feet back on the ground.

Sometimes we look in all the wrong places and to all the wrong people to get the support we need. It's taken me a while to learn that friendship can be found closer than you think, even in your own home. Growing up, I knew I always had a great friend in my brother. Besides the biological connection we share, there's the common ground and shared history that has kept my brother and me bonded.

And today I am proud to stand here in front of you guys to tell you about my brother.

He is 5 years older than me. When we were little kids ,we usually argue about small things ,such candy or tools .But now ,we are both grown up .We respect each other and understand each other .When I have a difficult matter that i don't know how to tackle , i always seek his help .Even sometimes i find him annoying i have to accept him as my brother because he is older than me. Like they said, younger has to respect the elders. He has an issue with arrogance that really needs to be worked on. It can be draining being around him sometimes because he acts like he is the only person in the world that is "right". I often get sick and tired of his delusions of grandeur but i love him. My brother and I have our ups and downs. Sometimes we argue, get on each others nerves and annoy each other. On the other hand, we do talk to each other about our problems and he lets me use his belongings. I let him use my belongings. I can truly say that I love my brother even if he gets angry at me and loses his temper.

He is now in South Korea, furthering his study in engineering field. I hope he will graduate well from his university. I'm also hoping that he could marry Korean girl. If he can marry Korean girl that’s mean I will have Korean sister-in-law. Isn't it great? haha

Without him growing up would have been very different because we've been growing up together since we were kids. We shared our joys and happiness. We did share our thoughts and problems. And I am very grateful to have such person in my life.

We had—and still have—a strong bond. Through the years, I probably went to my brother too few times when I was having trouble. I wish I had gone to him more often because he has a sweet and caring soul. The times I did confide in him felt very good. My pain or heartache never needed a context or an explanation. That is a feeling I experience so rarely in my life these days—feeling completely understood without even speaking. More often than not, my path feels lonely. But I've realized that discovering my own aloneness is even more of a reason to cherish a sibling I can relate to and confide in. Sometimes that is all one has, and it can be a most precious and enduring resource.

*Grammar & spelling mistakes? malas nak check.

p/s : Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. ^^

A forest bird never wants a cage.

To all of you that have written me your condolences:

One thing I learnt is to always tell the person that you care about how you feel about them. Don't wait or be shy about it.

I know our culture is a tad conservative on showing emotions, but please disregard the constraints, give that someone a hollar or a hug to show them that you care. Trust me you'll not be poorer for such display.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate them.

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

First, I will need to apologize, for this entry will definitely ruffles some feathers, hope none of 'em feathers are like that one character in X-Men who has steal feathers/blades as his wings (**can't bloody well remembers his name**).. I don't understand people's fascination with reality shows.

All in all, even though i personally hate that "you're fired" dude, i read that the show is actually good for us to see how the real corporate world works. Fine, I can accept that. But the rest, like eeuuuu.

For me there are 3 types:

1. Fear Factors or Simple Life or Amazing Race - the concepts are similar, they played it again and again. How many times can people watch contestants having their fills of -slimy/yukky/so-called tough- -dining/travel experiences-. Why are people interested to see an heiress lives the low-down, she will always go back to her roots once they shouted 'cut'?

2. Akademi Fantasia or Audition - I mean I can salute the participant's courage and 'muka tembok' to audition for these shows, and it kinda funny watching the 'what were you thinking about!" denizen, but what about the viewer, the people who come back again and again to shed tears/forking out their hard earn money to vote, crying over some poor chap who don't even know the viewers existences, this one really escapes me lah.. btw, who the heck watch Audition? May be only close families and friends do. Among all these mass produced 'artists', the only one that most people take their hats off is Jac. Man, how many of our current entertainers share her caliber?

3. Average Joe or For Love or Money or The Bachelor - wtf.. how many boobies you want to see? I mean you see it once, ie the first season, then you've seem them all.

Most of these shows contained plots that read just like Danielle Steel's novel, you read one of her books and you pretty much read/cover the entire collection...sigh, the quality of entertainment today..

This begets the question, is it only me and my few friends in Malaysia that have this opinions, are we an endangered species?

Haneul Park - World Cup Stadium Park

I was lolling around.

Thinking about nothing and everything.

Fuzzily, the Japanese anime Death Note came to mind. How a person will be dead moments after his name is written in that note book.

If I were to choose 5 people that I would see dead soon, they would be..

1. The person who did Nurin Jazlin – but a small voice said what if the perpetrator does not know that what he did was bad. What if he is sick in the mind? Then I’m not being fair, I can't simulteneously be the judge and jury. Hmm.. So scraped that idea.

2. Then how about the person who raped and killed Nurul Anira – tried hard but I can’t find any reason not to cancel him out.

I got to number 2 only. I can’t do this. Conscience would not let me, even if they are just idle thoughts (my thoughts not the person on my death note) and scumbag (the person on my death note, not my thoughts).

So, I think I’ll change the theme; it should be what secrets that I wish would be revealed to the public.

Thus, my greatest wish for the truth today are:

1. To find the person who was responsible for Nurin Jazlin and Nurul Anira death. (And for the other countless missing kids found.)

2. How does the Malaysian PM’s mind works? Is he in touch with reality or forever entrenched in deep sleep?

Do you have anything you wish to know (or have someone on your death wish) - care to share. :-)

(i)

You heard the siren blaring, then you see an ambulance racing down the street, you automatically think that o-o someone's in trouble. You wish that the ambulance would get to its destination quickly as it clearly is a life and death matter. But, you know that won't be the case, and as always the main roads in Kuala Lumpur is in a gridlock. So now, you can see the ambulance is trapped in the traffic. Then you hear another siren blaring, you are like, this is bad, another ambulance going to get stuck in front of you. But, lo and behold it is not another ambulance, it is a convoy of police outriders flanking some VIP's car maneuvering the traffic. In a matter of second, the VIP's car is smoothly on its way to some God knows errant, and that pitiful ambulance is still stucked in the traffic. I'm wondering which one is more important, a VIP that clearly has poor time management that he has to have outriders clearing the way for him so that he will not be late for that stupid luncheon or what-not, or that guy in the ambulance fighting for his life. May be I'm a simpleton since clearly the system prefers the VIP. Probably the system's way of ensuring only the fittest survive huh.

(ii)

I have nothing against Siti, if she wants to milk everything in sight, then by all means go ahead. It is just that I'm wondering why one of the ministries gave Siti an award/recognition when she managed to perform in London, in a place she rented for a night, performing in front of mostly Malaysian audiences. Because on the other side, there is Raihan. I mean, Raihan toured the whole of France, and it was by invitation, performing in front of European, and they have also performed in front of Prince Charles and the Queen, but nobody gives a hoot. I guess Raihan is not as pretty as Siti, that's why no one cares. I cannot also blame Siti, if people insisted on giving her things, the least she could do is accept them gracefully kan. And I guess listening to lyrics asking you to practice good values and remembering your maker are not as entertaining as listening to songs about unrequited love or passionate loving. Whatever lah, what ever floats your boat lah Mr. Minister.

(iii)

The ability of the hills and trees to imitate Oreo cookies. Now you see it, now you don't. One day there is a green forest in front of your house, then the next day it become a desert of red colored earth. It does make me wonder if Tree Sheppard exists. You know like those Tree Sheppards in the LOTR. They can herd trees to another locations when the needs arise. May be the trees move to another less smoggy area. If we human can tolerate smog/haze, doesn't mean that the trees can take it standing too.

From the week's many a conversation with various people, I have a few follow-up questions to ask:

1. Will the sight of healthy juicy cleavage ever bore you if you have to view them all the time?
2. If Superman cannot find anyone from his home planet to start a family, can he mengawan with a makhluk bumi successfully?
3. Why is it wrong to hate Barney? *I truly enjoyed the scene in the movie Nine Months where one of the characters beat the crap out of Barney. Kudos to everyone involved in that scene.
4. How is that show Malaysian Most Beautiful is relevant to Malaysian? What is the relevance of beauty and showing the contestants talking about other people behind their back aka mengumpat, going for a work out - showing the contestants are not fit, going to a beauty salon - showing the contestants have high body fat, etc? Why do they have to define beauty? *what a waste of the 10 mins of my life.
5. Why does Miss Earth has to parade on the stage wearing a bikini? Why don't they wear something made out of fresh materials from mother earth like mud or bouquet of flowers or coconut shell or big leaves? How is parading around in a bikini has anything to do with the Earth - Are we going to offer the reigning Miss Earth as a sacrifice if the alien invaded us?

please feel free to divulge your thoughts. *yes, I'm bored out of my skull.

I have been having too many bizarre dreams lately.

Insadong - Seoul

I have been having too many bizarre dreams lately.

Even a 10 minutes nap would take me somewhere I do not want to go - empty fluttering heart, wonderingly gazing into a pair of hazel eyes, blood pounding wielding sword fighting the baddies, steadfast chanting of prayers to fight dark shadows, doing the mundane - joy, hurt, terrified, bewilder, all in a swirling mist.

Psychologist said your dreams are most times the manifestation of your inner demon/angel, a representation of your needs, your cravings. But sometimes..

Sometimes I get hopelessly lost.

I can't make head or tail of my quest, and what is worse is that I can't seem to find my way to my destination. No matter how many maps I referred to or how many people I'd stopped to ask for direction, I still can't find my way.

These dreams often left me feeling disoriented. The wounds would still pained even though they are just from bizarre dreams.

Last night I watched The Drew Carey show. There is a scene where Drew and Kate were talking in the bar.

• Drew: I still love you.
• Kate: Yeah, but I'm in love with someone else.

Ouch! kesian Drew.. this prompt another round of odd dreams.

p/s : that day she told me "last nite i dreamt bout u.".^^