Yeongsan - Seoul

When i say i worry too much, i think i really mean it beyond words. I worry toooo much! The kind of worry that lingers in your head, the kind that is not there in the top 100 but it’s there, SOMEWHERE! It’s like the after taste of accidentally biting cloves. You’ve spit it out of your mouth, but the taste lingers on and on. The only difference is that the taste fades away after awhile, but worries camps out in the head still we actually do something about it to send it home packing solved, once and for all.

There’s something that has been lingering in my head for quite a while now. I’m pretty worried about it. No, it’s not anything detrimental, just worrying. i really don’t enjoy thinking about it. However, i’m not sure if i wanna push it away. It’s could be something i want, if possible. However, i'm not certain of actually getting it. Furthermore, im not sure if that is what i want. That latter fact makes it an unenjoyable thought.

Am i happy or am i just living?

Summer Break - Busan - South Korea

I don’t really know why I wanna blog about this. It’s just that I seemed to sense this association people tend to make with bluntness and honesty. By the way, before I proceed, this entry shall not reflect on anything or anyone related to this subject matter. It’s just something that has been lingering in my head the past 15 minutes or so. I just picked the words up innocently and they have not gone away. They’re like impatiently dying to be unraveled. Knocking non-stop on the corners of my head. In fact, I think they’re hanging in there, in my conscious mind, waiting for me to unscramble the ambiguity attached to the words.

Bluntness & Honesty. Is it one and the same? Or is it similar? Or is it totally different but with some kind of correlation? I mean, just pondering upon these two words, leaves me to dwell on it, deep & deeper. Let’s take a peek at its definitions.

hon·es·ty
a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
b: adherence to the facts

blunt·ness
a: abrupt in speech or manner
b: being straight to the point
*definitions from online dictionary. I can’t be bothered to find a proper dictionary around

Well, doesn’t seem to me that these two are like peas in a pod. Just by looking at these definitions, the straightforwardness of honesty may indicate some characteristics of bluntness in it but consider how bluntness is defined. It doesn’t seem to illustrate that there is any element of honesty embedded within. I mean, does this imply that people can be blunt yet not honest. Can it be? Perhaps…

I don’t know how to take others as examples so I guess I’ll stick to myself as the guinea-pig here. All my life I’ve been one. Another won’t make a big difference. I mean, I would consider myself as blunt. Definitely! And those in the close circle would agree too. Damn right they will! In fact, I think those not close but have had an encounter with me, would think so too. At times, I’ve been told im too blunt? Is there such thing as too blunt? I mean, blunt is as blunt can be right? Now, the question remains. All those time I’ve been blunt, have I been honest? To myself or to others?I am blunt to myself even. I have all these pep-talks to myself, often. So often, that my mom thinks I’m mad and my dad thinks I’m a genius. Hahaha….

Ok back to story. What constitute bluntness to be the truth ?(truth makes up honesty). I can recall many incidents I’ve been cruelly blunt. To myself and to others. Forgive me for I am only human. I say things & do things, that would be considered as blunt. But, as far as I can recall, I don’t think all of those actions performed or words uttered were honest and of the truth. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of trying to make a point. Nothing to do with honesty at all.

Having given it some thought, I wonder now why such association between bluntness and honesty exists. You don’t have to be blunt to exhibit honesty. Neither do you have to express the element the truth when you are being blunt. You can be blunt for no matter what reason.

As usual, subject matters like this bring rise to many questions upon me. Am I proud being blunt? I mean, is it good being blunt? I don’t know . Is that a positive or a negative trait? Is it something that should be nurtured or should it be left standing on its own? Or should it be terminated? Have I been honestly blunt? Or have it been bluntly honest? Help!!!!!!

Again, I never answer the questions.

Boramae - Seoul

Sometimes i wonder why do we bounce back up to fall down again.. and again.. and again… whats the lesson behind it? did we bounce back higher? or did we fall down gently? did we even bounce back as high as we did before? or did we crash tumbling down? or simply to teach us that bouncing is not the means of reaching up? whats the virtue behind it? patience? enthusiasm? diligence? scrutiny?

There’s a date that has been lingering on and on my head. And that date is nearing. I dont know how i’m to embrace it. It would be like any other day. Just another day.. similar, but not the same. It’s just the memory, lingering in my head. Just hanging in there… floating. Not doing much harm, just visiting me regularly. Not sure if i’m actually thrilled by memoirs knocking. Ain’t actually something that cheers me up. It did, at one time. But now, it’s just a shadow of my past, something i regret really.

Regrets..

I guess there are moments in our life when we just tell ourselves, i wish i had done it differently back then. Ya true… but WOULD we have done it differently back then? I dont know zbout you guys out there, but what i can say for myself is that, given the opportunity to go back in time, i’m sure i would still have chosen the path i chose back then. Because i think in that particular situation, that specific moment, i would have thought things through and came up with THE decision. Eventually, i would have considered the pros and cons of the matter at that time. As it may be to my dismay and regret NOW, the very least it taught me a lesson.

But whether or not the lesson was well learned, that’s entirely a different matter. Afterall, as willingly we are to learn, are we willing to be taught? Different ball game, definitely.

There are 3 incidents in my life that i regret having done them. The rest, i can live with it, but these 3, not a day pass by where i don’t think and regret. In fact not only i regret but angry at maself too, even now. Not about how i wish i didn’t do them, but how i wished i had learned the lesson taught WELL ENOUGH not to repeat them one after another, of the same kind.

Don’t get this wrong, i’m not down or sad or anything of that sort. I’m just.. reflective? Well, may tomorrow holds a better deal for all of us. Who knows, one might get lucky and just strike gold ??

Seoul National University's Stadium

I've always tried to go a step past wherever people expected me to end up.

Nalurimu satu, mengajar tanpa pernah jemu. Nilai dan budimu beribu, tidak kena dengan merendahkan dirimu selalu. Siapa sangka, orang asing lebih mahu memikiri kita.

Kyongju - South Korea

Kadangkala kita tidak tahu hari ini akan membawa kita ke mana. Siang, selepas membuka mata dari lena, kita sudah ada rutin yang menggerakkan mobiliti kita - bertujuan, bertempat, ikut masa. Namun, sekerap mana, objektif hidup disemak oleh minda dalam sehari? Mungkin sekali dua, ketika mandi atau sebelum ke tempat kerja, ataupun ketika masuk tidur. Jadi, selain masa itu, apa yang kita ingat, apa yang ingin dilaku, di mana segala tumpu?. Bayangan samar kan.

Dan bila sesekali aku terasa dan berendam saat kelam ini, aku sentiasa beringat. Dalam kesamaran ini pasti ada nur, didampingi gembira dan membongkah senyum tawa.

Mungkin dalam kesamaran itu, ada bahagianya.

Sindorim Station - Seoul

There are many ways to define our fragile existence; many ways to give it meaning. But it is our memories that shape its purpose and give it context. The private assortment of images: fears, loves, regrets… for it’s the cruel irony of life that we are destined to hold the dark with the light, the good with the evil, success with disappointment… this is what separates us, what makes us human. And in the end, we must fight to hold on to.

World Cup Stadium's Convention Center - PPMK 2007 Annual Dinner
xde keje bersama kak sharina - thanx mcd for the pic

There comes a point in your life when you're officially an adult. Suddenly, you're old enough to engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious... a grown up.

We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?

In some ways we grow up. We have families, we get married, divorced, but for the most part, we still have the same problems that we did when we were teenagers.. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling, forever wondering, forever young.

melompat - kyongju - autmn

It's been more than a week since I last blogged proper. I sincerely apologize to those few friends who have faithfully visited this site only to be greeted by cobwebs, congealed dust and old, stale entries.


my writings have been sporadic and not very consistent, despite promises to write regularly. In fact, there were a number of occasions when I could have afforded the time to blog but... I just somehow lacked the strength or will-power to do so.

anyway.. last night was PPMK's Annual Dinner..had fun with friends and seniors...and thanx for those who's been working so hard doing the preparation and all the stuff..do really appreciate it..sugo2

Bulguksa - Kyongju - South Korea

(i)

Learn a lesson from the birds. They feed those who cannot fly far. The bird relieves the itch of the buffalo by scratching it with its beak... they help and serve each other with no thought of reward.

(ii)

Why don't we fly like the birds? ... Why don't we just fly?

I used to love mathematics , and I still do, because it allows for no hypocrisy and no vagueness....

Kyongju - South Korea

Some people i know are like raw eggs. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by people they trust, they start to fall apart. They tend to remind me of the song All or Nothing by Cher.

Some other people i know are like jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. The have no emotional barriers and they are often easily manipulated and used by others. These people tend to remind me of the song Sindrome A Minor.

And other people i know are like onions. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer, when and under what circumstances. They also know at which layer to stop before they get scared. Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others at each different layers, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

Onions do not practice universal mistrust of others. They are simply discerning people who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to got to the next layer with another person.

The happiest people i know are onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner. And they know exactly when to bring such people to the next layer.

p/s : thanx hilmi for d idea..but my sephia still "klakar" lg..

berdiri dr kiri : Abe, Athir,Duen, Rocket, Tayam, Awie, Muaz, Posot, Esan,Emberg,Jaha
Cangkung Dr kiri : Ganu, Napi, Ayie

Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough - it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do - as long as you choose your moments wisely.

Kyongju - South Korea

Tiada lensa mekanikal yang lebih baik dari sepasang mata.

Tetapi bila lensa manusia ini melihat, dunia baginya boleh jadi sedikit berbeza, berubah untuk jadi lebih istimewa.

Kyongju - South Korea

Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today.

Kyongju - South Korea

One of my friend asked me ..

"Hows your caffeine addiction?"

It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.

The thing about addiction is it never ends well, because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.