frozen love.

she has no melody of heart

no true love

just a fake love

i) That particular jet has been flying for the longest time. Fuel is running really low but yet there's no suitable place to land. how much longer does the jet must go on? crash it; so it could be the end of everything?

The will and the strength to go on are still the hardest.

ii) At the end, if we don't hang on together, we'll die alone.

i) Bagaimana pula dengan manusia yang matanya melihat hari terang dan cerah, namun tidak sedar kehidupan dan jiwanya terlindung berkat, suram dan gelap?

ii) No matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. We’d prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. It’s the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. All of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and its nice, or it takes some getting used to. Still, maybe you’ll find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. So you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones.

i) Mungkin suatu hari nanti, bila kita bangun dari tidur, perasaan untuk ingin tahu kejadian masing-masing tidak lagi istimewa seperti dulu. Kita terlalu angkuh pada haluan baru hingga alpa jejak-jejak tua yang telah kita tinggalkan.

ii) Lilin, sepertimu aku tidak mahu.

안녕! 그동안 잘 지냈어? 나도 대학생이라 공부하느라 바빴고 너도수험생활 하느라 많이 바빠서 2년동안에 자주 못만났던 것 같아. 만나려고도 했었는데 서로 여러가지 사정이 있었잖아. 그래도 난널 잊지 않고 지냈는데 너도 그랬겠지?ㅋㅋㅋ

사실 우리가 처음 만난 이후로 이렇게까지 만남이어질 줄은 몰랐어. 처음 만났을때 너무 좋았고 마음에 들어서 계속 연락하고 싶다고 생각했어. 그리고 또 네가 너무 자랑스럽기도 하고. 혹시나 멍청한 몇몇 말레이시아 애들 때문에 네가 상처 받지는 않을까 걱정도 했고. 그래서 내가 옆에서 많이 도와 주고 싶었는데 막상 큰 도움은 되 주지 못한 것 같아서 미안해. 내 도움 없어도 넌 잘하니까 섭섭하기도 하고 부듯하기도 하고. 네가 알아서 잘 하는 건 아는데, 정말 혹시나 해서. 만약 말레이시아에서 그런 일이 있었다면 내가 대신 사과할게.

저번에 영화를 보고난뒤, 집에 돌아오며 넌 오늘 참 재미있었다고 말해 주었어. 내가 생각하기엔, Danga Bay에선 힘들게 걸어다니기만 하고 밥도 늦게 먹고 내가 하고 싶은 대로만 한 것 같은데..너무 미안해.

더욱 더 오래 같이 있고 싶었는데 하루는 너무 짧아. 짧은 시간에 많은 걸 해 주고 싶었고 그러다 보니 오히려 널 피곤하게 한 것만 같아. 다시 한번 미안해.

쓰다 보니 어느세 이렇게 길어졌네. 그 동안 하고 싶은 말이 많았거든. 그리고 내 진심이 전달되었으면 해서. 왜냐하면 아직도 넌 나를 불편하게 생각하고 있는 것 같아서. 왜인지는 잘 모르겠는데..뭔가 그런 느낌을 받은 적이 있었던 것 같아. 넌 날 좀 더 편하게 생각했으면 좋겠어.

한국에 돌아가서 가족분들께 내 얘기 많이 해 줘. 말레이시아에 정말 멋있고 착한 친구가 있다고 ㅋㅋㅋ

너무 즐거웠어. 널 알게 되서 너무 기쁘고. 나중에 또 보자. 그땐 더 멋있어져 있을게 ㅋㅋㅋ

i) Dia menyapa. Menghulur tangan. Jemarinya yang melentik manja. Lurus dan kurus. Lembut, bukan pada kulit atau kelopak teratai yang memangkunya. Tetapi kelembutan itu datang dalam bagaimana jemari itu dialun ikut susunan yang santun. Provokatif hingga sedikit enticing. Haruskah aku dia cuba?

ii) If I told you that you didn't exist. Would you go away?

i) Wanita cantik melukis kekuatan melalui masalahnya, tersenyum saat tertekan, tertawa di saat hati sedang menangis, memberkati di saat terhina, mempesona kerana mengampuni. Wanita cantik mengasihi tanpa memilih, berkuat dalam doa dan pengharapan. Jadilah secantik bunga matahari, yang selalu terlihat anggun di tengah teriknya matahari, yang dapat bertahan hidup menyongsong ketika datangnya matahari esok hari.

ii) I guess you’re happy when you are relieved but you’re not necessarily relieved when you are happy. Am i making any sense?

i) Bintang naungan Aquarius, orangnya abstrak tetapi objektifnya jelas. Kontradiktori, pada sekian-sekian waktu. Sunyi, untuk hampir sepanjang masa.

ii) Kadangkala momen yang biasa boleh buat kita beku dalam ketakjuban. Sering selalu dari sekali sekala pula, perkara yang kita anggap biasa itu memberi makna berbeza dan besar untuk orang yang selain kita. Orang cakap, jangan selalu bercakap perkara yang kita tidak mahu berlaku kepada kita. Kerana lafaz itu adalah doa yang kita minta. Orang juga cakap, orang yang selalu kata tidak percaya pada cinta adalah orang yang bila mereka bertemu cinta hati mereka, kuasanya merasuk mereka lebih dari kenan orang biasa.

iii) Giving you mixed signals, unrelentingly.

i. It is really sad when you are able to understand the whole pieces of everything, what's coming in and out of your life, but you are unable to make conclusion on how to move forward with it. I guess to find meanings in your life, is part of the journey to maturity.

ii. Oh, don't be sorry for me. Life's like that. No matter how bad things are, u just gotta go on and live with it. keep on plastering a smile when u face the world eventhough deep inside u know for sure that ur soul has been dead long time ago.

iii. Selamat datang ke dunia, insan kecil. Bagaimana ya aku, ketika pertama kali melihat cahaya, membuka mata dan menerima kuasaNya. Adakah aku tertawa? Atau berduka dengan kegilaan dan kecamukan dunia manusia?

Happy 3rd anniversary, dearest blog. Sorry, it's a very quiet celebration. So many major hiccups happened past years. And i always wish the next year would be a lot better. And i've been wishing the same thing since i was five. Is it too much to ask? Is it?

Hari Muhibah
Tangan sape ni?

Lately, i’ve been having weird dreams/nightmares. But the thing is that, they are not like dreams. It’s like they are so real. Scary on one end but it’s really intriguing. I mean, why the same thing over and over again rite? Maybe i’m having too much on my mind. Perhaps. But the good dreams, i don’t mind them being real. heheheh….

If i were to illustrate the condition of my head at the moment, it would be like this space with so many things, scattered everywhere. Not in order. Not related. Not quite within my reach. It’s the exact same way how i feel right now. I know everything is there. It’s just that i’ve not really sat down on it to scrutinised it all, like i always do. I guess the time will come. I know it will. I just don’t know when.

I guess it’s true. I am such a control freak. I feel so lost when i’m not in control of myself. In a way, i feel like i’m so vulnerable when i’m in this state of mind, body and soul. I don’t like it one bit. i feel helpless and hopeless.

Ayie & Adib
Hanyang University

(i)
When u messed up something physical with ur own emotions, u need to take a step back. Do not analyze coz it will drives u crazy/mad/insane. When ur head started spinning searching the truth on the unthinkable, it's about time for u to step on that brake paddle. STOP at that instant coz u've juz realized that u betrayed ur own principles and broke ur own rules.

(ii)
That's how exclusive u r to me, and how invisible i am to u. If only u knew.

Olympic Stadium

Look up and smile!
You are beautiful and you should know it.

Duen&McD
Kyongju - Autumn

Untuk dia yang sengal,

hang in there~
we are tested to bring out what we truly are. for us to know and affirm what we are.

hang tight :)
life's roller coaster.

will blow, will be over.
just like how the ride will be over too. Close your eyes, hang in there for a bit. Scream if you need to.

but, the ride will be over.

May you have enough trials to make you strong, enough hope to make you happy.

Take care^^

kyongju

Mungkin apa yang aku perlukan adalah masa,

untuk lebih bersahaja dalam apa jua perkara.

She meant it in another way. In the nicest possible way, of a different context entirely. She was sharing. Sharing is good.

And she was happy. You can tell from her voice. She said it with a sparkle in her voice. She was truly enjoying the moment. Her moment. Clearly reflected in that smile on her face. That big warm smile.

And i was happy for her. Was i left with any other options? Any other would have changed her mood. Soon if not instantaneous. Do i have the heart? Taking away the joy that is so genuine. The kind of joy that sets u glowing and beeming.

To fade the smile? Not for a minute would i let it disappear. Never!

But am i happy?

Kyongju - Photoshop

19 years ago, i was born to this world. I don’t really know how bad mummy’s labor was but i knew my birth wasn’t easy on anyone. I was a ‘blue’ baby. Overdued by 2 weeks. I was almost drowned in there. I guess i pretty much was scared of being born to this world afterall.

No wonder i’m risk aversed. I knew the first 6 months of my life wasn’t easy on anyone. Being tiny and blue, i guess everybody didn’t think much of me making it past 6 months. But eventually, with God’s will and family members’ prayers, alhamdulillah i’ve made it through this far. Syukur..

Mothers Day had past just around the corner recently. I’m one of those people who were never raised to celebrating these kinda occasions. I don’t recall us actually celebrating the day itself. However, my first 6 months life episode always remind me of how grateful i should be for my mother and how i’ve troubled her in my 19 years of life. And to remind me of how important she has been and will always be in my life.

On any ordinary day, if i were to be asked, whether or not i’ve been a good son and not troublesome to my mother, i would have said YES without a doubt. Eversince i was 8, all i ever consciously did was for this family, for my mother and father. In other words, i think i’ve done some ’sacrifices’ too. On any ordinary day, i’d say everything i do up to this point of my life, i’ve done it to pleased my mother. I took up piano for my mother, studied hard for my mother, i was the obedient son for my mother, i stopped sports for my mother, i worked ma ass off for a scholarship for my mother, i went to university for my mother, i studied Engineering for my mother. And everything i did was for my mother. So that she won’t nag me, so that she won’t yell at me, so that she won’t belittle me, so that she won’t think that i’m some stupid kid. Sounds like i’m blaming her aight?

Perhaps when i was younger, i didn’t have much common sense or i was too much a rebel myself to actually see things clear for once. But now, i can definitely see beyond all that. Despite me claiming that everything i did was for her, making it sounds like it was blaming her but honestly, it was for me. It was all for me. For selfish me. Because i was saving my ass from being nagged, scolded etc….. The blame actually falls on me. I was selfish. TT

I took up piano because i enjoyed the music my neighbour played on her piano every evening. I stopped sports because i wanted to do well in my studies. I worked hard at my studies because i wanted to prove myself worth of something as compared to my other cousins. I was an obedient son, stayed at home much of the time and not outside playing hooky because i’m simply a homely, family person. I worked my ass off for a scholarship because i wanted to go abroad without having to pay much on my own. I went to university coz what else do people do after SPM? I took Engineering coz i was too scared that i might have flunked medic.

And despite all those things i did for me, she never fail to ask me every single evening of my day “How was your day?”. She never fails to show her eagerness and anticipation of wanting to talk to me. Whenever things do go wrong, she’ll yell me a little, scold me a few times and nag endlessly but she will always be there for me. I guess she has her own way of saying she cares.

And now i realize that it’s not about how i perceived my mother made me do things in life, but what i wanted to do for her. Wanting her to be happy, to be proud of me and not be disappointed of me after carrying me for more than 9 months, suffering an ordeal for the first 6 months of my life and every single day there on that i might have offended her in many ways either intended or without intent. I know now that what i do for her is not sacrifices but responsibility that i hold strongly within me to make her feel worthwhile bringing me out to this world.

Mummy, i love you for being you. Thank you for having me as your son.

Can't thank you enough for what you have done.

Happy Mothers Day

Kyongju

Kita letakkan keegoan kita ketepi dan cuba berfikir dengan lebih jauh untuk kebahagiaan dimasa masa hadapan

thanx kak Azie for the pic

Kuala Lumpur. Mei 2008.

Sentuhan dua jiwa dari dua benua.
Serasinya satu dan bahagia.
Alangkah baiknya jika kesemua manusia
berfikiran terbuka dan menerima kelainan
dengan ikhlas dan reseptif.