Hari Muhibah
Tangan sape ni?

Lately, i’ve been having weird dreams/nightmares. But the thing is that, they are not like dreams. It’s like they are so real. Scary on one end but it’s really intriguing. I mean, why the same thing over and over again rite? Maybe i’m having too much on my mind. Perhaps. But the good dreams, i don’t mind them being real. heheheh….

If i were to illustrate the condition of my head at the moment, it would be like this space with so many things, scattered everywhere. Not in order. Not related. Not quite within my reach. It’s the exact same way how i feel right now. I know everything is there. It’s just that i’ve not really sat down on it to scrutinised it all, like i always do. I guess the time will come. I know it will. I just don’t know when.

I guess it’s true. I am such a control freak. I feel so lost when i’m not in control of myself. In a way, i feel like i’m so vulnerable when i’m in this state of mind, body and soul. I don’t like it one bit. i feel helpless and hopeless.

Ayie & Adib
Hanyang University

(i)
When u messed up something physical with ur own emotions, u need to take a step back. Do not analyze coz it will drives u crazy/mad/insane. When ur head started spinning searching the truth on the unthinkable, it's about time for u to step on that brake paddle. STOP at that instant coz u've juz realized that u betrayed ur own principles and broke ur own rules.

(ii)
That's how exclusive u r to me, and how invisible i am to u. If only u knew.

Olympic Stadium

Look up and smile!
You are beautiful and you should know it.

Duen&McD
Kyongju - Autumn

Untuk dia yang sengal,

hang in there~
we are tested to bring out what we truly are. for us to know and affirm what we are.

hang tight :)
life's roller coaster.

will blow, will be over.
just like how the ride will be over too. Close your eyes, hang in there for a bit. Scream if you need to.

but, the ride will be over.

May you have enough trials to make you strong, enough hope to make you happy.

Take care^^

kyongju

Mungkin apa yang aku perlukan adalah masa,

untuk lebih bersahaja dalam apa jua perkara.

She meant it in another way. In the nicest possible way, of a different context entirely. She was sharing. Sharing is good.

And she was happy. You can tell from her voice. She said it with a sparkle in her voice. She was truly enjoying the moment. Her moment. Clearly reflected in that smile on her face. That big warm smile.

And i was happy for her. Was i left with any other options? Any other would have changed her mood. Soon if not instantaneous. Do i have the heart? Taking away the joy that is so genuine. The kind of joy that sets u glowing and beeming.

To fade the smile? Not for a minute would i let it disappear. Never!

But am i happy?

Kyongju - Photoshop

19 years ago, i was born to this world. I don’t really know how bad mummy’s labor was but i knew my birth wasn’t easy on anyone. I was a ‘blue’ baby. Overdued by 2 weeks. I was almost drowned in there. I guess i pretty much was scared of being born to this world afterall.

No wonder i’m risk aversed. I knew the first 6 months of my life wasn’t easy on anyone. Being tiny and blue, i guess everybody didn’t think much of me making it past 6 months. But eventually, with God’s will and family members’ prayers, alhamdulillah i’ve made it through this far. Syukur..

Mothers Day had past just around the corner recently. I’m one of those people who were never raised to celebrating these kinda occasions. I don’t recall us actually celebrating the day itself. However, my first 6 months life episode always remind me of how grateful i should be for my mother and how i’ve troubled her in my 19 years of life. And to remind me of how important she has been and will always be in my life.

On any ordinary day, if i were to be asked, whether or not i’ve been a good son and not troublesome to my mother, i would have said YES without a doubt. Eversince i was 8, all i ever consciously did was for this family, for my mother and father. In other words, i think i’ve done some ’sacrifices’ too. On any ordinary day, i’d say everything i do up to this point of my life, i’ve done it to pleased my mother. I took up piano for my mother, studied hard for my mother, i was the obedient son for my mother, i stopped sports for my mother, i worked ma ass off for a scholarship for my mother, i went to university for my mother, i studied Engineering for my mother. And everything i did was for my mother. So that she won’t nag me, so that she won’t yell at me, so that she won’t belittle me, so that she won’t think that i’m some stupid kid. Sounds like i’m blaming her aight?

Perhaps when i was younger, i didn’t have much common sense or i was too much a rebel myself to actually see things clear for once. But now, i can definitely see beyond all that. Despite me claiming that everything i did was for her, making it sounds like it was blaming her but honestly, it was for me. It was all for me. For selfish me. Because i was saving my ass from being nagged, scolded etc….. The blame actually falls on me. I was selfish. TT

I took up piano because i enjoyed the music my neighbour played on her piano every evening. I stopped sports because i wanted to do well in my studies. I worked hard at my studies because i wanted to prove myself worth of something as compared to my other cousins. I was an obedient son, stayed at home much of the time and not outside playing hooky because i’m simply a homely, family person. I worked my ass off for a scholarship because i wanted to go abroad without having to pay much on my own. I went to university coz what else do people do after SPM? I took Engineering coz i was too scared that i might have flunked medic.

And despite all those things i did for me, she never fail to ask me every single evening of my day “How was your day?”. She never fails to show her eagerness and anticipation of wanting to talk to me. Whenever things do go wrong, she’ll yell me a little, scold me a few times and nag endlessly but she will always be there for me. I guess she has her own way of saying she cares.

And now i realize that it’s not about how i perceived my mother made me do things in life, but what i wanted to do for her. Wanting her to be happy, to be proud of me and not be disappointed of me after carrying me for more than 9 months, suffering an ordeal for the first 6 months of my life and every single day there on that i might have offended her in many ways either intended or without intent. I know now that what i do for her is not sacrifices but responsibility that i hold strongly within me to make her feel worthwhile bringing me out to this world.

Mummy, i love you for being you. Thank you for having me as your son.

Can't thank you enough for what you have done.

Happy Mothers Day

Kyongju

Kita letakkan keegoan kita ketepi dan cuba berfikir dengan lebih jauh untuk kebahagiaan dimasa masa hadapan

thanx kak Azie for the pic

Kuala Lumpur. Mei 2008.

Sentuhan dua jiwa dari dua benua.
Serasinya satu dan bahagia.
Alangkah baiknya jika kesemua manusia
berfikiran terbuka dan menerima kelainan
dengan ikhlas dan reseptif.

Cheongaeycheon

(i)
The key to survive is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.

(ii)
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Hi-Seoul

Hari ni saya jalan-jalan ke Chongeycheon

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood, then as grownups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage. And then, we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.

Blue vs Orange

Gelabah
Kyongju - South Korea

(i)
A good football game can have us all on the edge of our seats. Games are all about the glory, pain and the play by play. And then there are the more solitary games. The games we play all by ourselves. The social games, the mind games. We use them to pass the time to make life more interesting... to distract us from what's really going on. There are those of us who love to play games, any games. And there are those of us who love to play a little too much.

(ii)
Life is not a spectator sport. Win, lose, or draw, the game is on. So go ahead... argue with the ref, change the rules, cheat a little, take a break and tend to your wounds. But play. Play. Play hard, play fast... play loose and free. Play as if there's no tomorrow. Okay, so it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game... right?

i so need a break !!

Min Sonsaengnim - Kyongju

(i)
You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be – white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill(selalu pompuan le). You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith.The tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true.

(ii)
At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

(i)
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

(ii)
Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy. Grateful for friends, family. Happy just to be alive. Whether we like it or not.

Rain - Somewhere - Seoul

26 April - Saturday

It’s 3.16 a.m. and it has just started to rain. I’ve got at 4.00 p.m. football match today and I can’t seem to sleep. I’m anxious perhaps? I don’t know. Disappointed perhaps? Not really, I don’t think so. Mad then? Doesn’t seem like it.

But I’m tired. That much I know very well. I’m feeling it on my waist and hip. It’s that feeling of being drained out.

Suddenly I feel rather mellow. The rain is becoming heavier. The heavy downpour suddenly gives me the creeps. I don’t really know why. But then again, I don’t think I wanna know why. I don’t even wanna think about it.

Why does it rain tonight? I can’t recall the last time it rained at night. It didn’t rained in Seoul very often, did it? I can’t remember. I can’t seem to recall.

The rain triggered some thoughts. Deep thoughts. Deep but trivial I think. Why? Coz it didn’t seem like it mattered much. Seems like? Yeah. You’re assuming? No, I’m guessing. Isn’t it the same? I don’t know. Perhaps. Does it matter? What? The assuming or the guessing or the knowing?

Made me termenung for a moment there while I’m typing this out.

Do you know that feeling when you’re looking, staring at something but you’re not actually looking at it? It’s like you’re looking through it but it’s not exactly see-through so literally you’re not looking through it. Just looking at it actually but yet, as if beyond it. It’s like me staring at my fingers now, typing all these words away while my eyes is pretty much stuck at the Y-key, T-key and the H-key. I’m conscious of what I’m doing but yet I’m not really there. Do you know what I’m trying to say? Does it even make any sense?

Does it have to make any sense?

The rain is slowing down. It’s getting softly. Gentler. The kind that reduces your heartbeat. The type that calms you down. That type. That kind of rain.

There are things we do, that we just do, for the sake of doing it. We don’t really question ourselves why we do it. We don’t bother. We just know that we do it. Do we have to do it? Not sure actually. We never really question it. Does it matter? What? Doing it or questioning it? Don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t know. But then again, do I really want to know? Is it worth knowin? Would it make any difference as to how I would wake up tomorrow morning? Well, actually yes. It would probably make me wake up late. But then again, you’re already sleeping late tonight. What difference does it make? I don’t know. Will it make a difference? Difference on what? The waking up late? Yeah, what else. I don’t know. Could be the sleeping late.

The rain is getting heavier again. It rushes my blood all through my veins. I can’t relax now. I’m sitting up already.

Why do I feel this way tonight? I don’t know. I just don’t know. But then again, I don’t think I want to know. Do I need to know? Does it matter? Does it make a difference? Can’t I just freely feel what I want to feel? Why do I keep having to question myself? Why do I need certainty? Why do I need to be sure all the time? Why?

Because we all know that we live in a word of uncertainty. Some sense of it would make us feel we’re somehow in control of one thing in this uncertain world of ours. It’s an illusion of control actually. It’s not even actual control. Just an illusion of it.

That’s the problem with us all. We believe in the illusions of things, of matters and of everything around us. We are the biggest illusionists to ourselves. We concoct up an illusion of what we want or what we think to suit our need for self-comfort. We are the biggest feeder of illusions to our soul. We are masterminds. Everyday. Every time. We know nothing is certain but yet, we still want to believe in it.

What are we? We are nothing but liars.

The only thing in life that is certain is our history. That’s solid certain. Nothing you can do will shake the certainty out of it. And there’s no need for illusions when it’s certainty. So, history carries no illusions. It’s real. All real. Just real. Realsm.

At the same time, I’m quite certain I’m wasting my time with this entry. But then again, no, I don’t think so. I think I do have a point to make across. Do I? I think I do. How certain are you that you do? Almost certain, actually. In what sense? You’re still reading aren’t you? Yeah, of course I am. That’s because you’re still typing it. So what if I stop typing? Then I’ve got no choice but to stop reading. Why do you have to stop? Because I won’t have anything to read.

True. I need an audience and you need a star. Don’t we complement each other? We do. You think so? I know so. How sure are you? I’m sure. Why do you say that? Say what? The complement part or the knowing for sure part? Both.

What’s perfect is not about how alike you are. Or how you are an exact clone of one another. It’s never that. Perfectness is about matching. It’s about needing and providing. It’s about giving and taking. It’s about charging and retracting. That’s what perfect match is all about. It’s the complementing. Like the Yin and Yang symbol. They match, perfectly. They need one another. They complement one another. That’s perfect.

Perfect is about your differences uniting you as one. Two becomes one. Unity. A match. Perfect match. Perfect.

Don’t you think we’re perfect?

5.43 a.m