Boramae - Seoul

Sometimes i wonder why do we bounce back up to fall down again.. and again.. and again… whats the lesson behind it? did we bounce back higher? or did we fall down gently? did we even bounce back as high as we did before? or did we crash tumbling down? or simply to teach us that bouncing is not the means of reaching up? whats the virtue behind it? patience? enthusiasm? diligence? scrutiny?

There’s a date that has been lingering on and on my head. And that date is nearing. I dont know how i’m to embrace it. It would be like any other day. Just another day.. similar, but not the same. It’s just the memory, lingering in my head. Just hanging in there… floating. Not doing much harm, just visiting me regularly. Not sure if i’m actually thrilled by memoirs knocking. Ain’t actually something that cheers me up. It did, at one time. But now, it’s just a shadow of my past, something i regret really.

Regrets..

I guess there are moments in our life when we just tell ourselves, i wish i had done it differently back then. Ya true… but WOULD we have done it differently back then? I dont know zbout you guys out there, but what i can say for myself is that, given the opportunity to go back in time, i’m sure i would still have chosen the path i chose back then. Because i think in that particular situation, that specific moment, i would have thought things through and came up with THE decision. Eventually, i would have considered the pros and cons of the matter at that time. As it may be to my dismay and regret NOW, the very least it taught me a lesson.

But whether or not the lesson was well learned, that’s entirely a different matter. Afterall, as willingly we are to learn, are we willing to be taught? Different ball game, definitely.

There are 3 incidents in my life that i regret having done them. The rest, i can live with it, but these 3, not a day pass by where i don’t think and regret. In fact not only i regret but angry at maself too, even now. Not about how i wish i didn’t do them, but how i wished i had learned the lesson taught WELL ENOUGH not to repeat them one after another, of the same kind.

Don’t get this wrong, i’m not down or sad or anything of that sort. I’m just.. reflective? Well, may tomorrow holds a better deal for all of us. Who knows, one might get lucky and just strike gold ??

Seoul National University's Stadium

I've always tried to go a step past wherever people expected me to end up.

Nalurimu satu, mengajar tanpa pernah jemu. Nilai dan budimu beribu, tidak kena dengan merendahkan dirimu selalu. Siapa sangka, orang asing lebih mahu memikiri kita.

Kyongju - South Korea

Kadangkala kita tidak tahu hari ini akan membawa kita ke mana. Siang, selepas membuka mata dari lena, kita sudah ada rutin yang menggerakkan mobiliti kita - bertujuan, bertempat, ikut masa. Namun, sekerap mana, objektif hidup disemak oleh minda dalam sehari? Mungkin sekali dua, ketika mandi atau sebelum ke tempat kerja, ataupun ketika masuk tidur. Jadi, selain masa itu, apa yang kita ingat, apa yang ingin dilaku, di mana segala tumpu?. Bayangan samar kan.

Dan bila sesekali aku terasa dan berendam saat kelam ini, aku sentiasa beringat. Dalam kesamaran ini pasti ada nur, didampingi gembira dan membongkah senyum tawa.

Mungkin dalam kesamaran itu, ada bahagianya.

Sindorim Station - Seoul

There are many ways to define our fragile existence; many ways to give it meaning. But it is our memories that shape its purpose and give it context. The private assortment of images: fears, loves, regrets… for it’s the cruel irony of life that we are destined to hold the dark with the light, the good with the evil, success with disappointment… this is what separates us, what makes us human. And in the end, we must fight to hold on to.

World Cup Stadium's Convention Center - PPMK 2007 Annual Dinner
xde keje bersama kak sharina - thanx mcd for the pic

There comes a point in your life when you're officially an adult. Suddenly, you're old enough to engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious... a grown up.

We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?

In some ways we grow up. We have families, we get married, divorced, but for the most part, we still have the same problems that we did when we were teenagers.. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling, forever wondering, forever young.

melompat - kyongju - autmn

It's been more than a week since I last blogged proper. I sincerely apologize to those few friends who have faithfully visited this site only to be greeted by cobwebs, congealed dust and old, stale entries.


my writings have been sporadic and not very consistent, despite promises to write regularly. In fact, there were a number of occasions when I could have afforded the time to blog but... I just somehow lacked the strength or will-power to do so.

anyway.. last night was PPMK's Annual Dinner..had fun with friends and seniors...and thanx for those who's been working so hard doing the preparation and all the stuff..do really appreciate it..sugo2

Bulguksa - Kyongju - South Korea

(i)

Learn a lesson from the birds. They feed those who cannot fly far. The bird relieves the itch of the buffalo by scratching it with its beak... they help and serve each other with no thought of reward.

(ii)

Why don't we fly like the birds? ... Why don't we just fly?

I used to love mathematics , and I still do, because it allows for no hypocrisy and no vagueness....

Kyongju - South Korea

Some people i know are like raw eggs. They have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken by people they trust, they start to fall apart. They tend to remind me of the song All or Nothing by Cher.

Some other people i know are like jelly. They are soft, squishy and easily devoured. The have no emotional barriers and they are often easily manipulated and used by others. These people tend to remind me of the song Sindrome A Minor.

And other people i know are like onions. Onions thrive emotionally because they have emotional layers and they know who can be allowed access to each layer, when and under what circumstances. They also know at which layer to stop before they get scared. Onions understand their layers and how much of their emotional selves they can reveal and share with others at each different layers, without the risk of deep emotional hurt. This protects them, while allowing them to reveal and share their emotional layers in safety as they choose.

Onions do not practice universal mistrust of others. They are simply discerning people who knows that emotional layers are precious, and should only be revealed and shared when empathy, trust and understanding have reached a point where it’s safe to got to the next layer with another person.

The happiest people i know are onions who understand themselves and the people around them. They manage their layers well, knowing which emotional layers are for acquaintances, friends, loved ones and their life partner. And they know exactly when to bring such people to the next layer.

p/s : thanx hilmi for d idea..but my sephia still "klakar" lg..

berdiri dr kiri : Abe, Athir,Duen, Rocket, Tayam, Awie, Muaz, Posot, Esan,Emberg,Jaha
Cangkung Dr kiri : Ganu, Napi, Ayie

Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough - it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do - as long as you choose your moments wisely.

Kyongju - South Korea

Tiada lensa mekanikal yang lebih baik dari sepasang mata.

Tetapi bila lensa manusia ini melihat, dunia baginya boleh jadi sedikit berbeza, berubah untuk jadi lebih istimewa.

Kyongju - South Korea

Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today.

Kyongju - South Korea

One of my friend asked me ..

"Hows your caffeine addiction?"

It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.

The thing about addiction is it never ends well, because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

Yeongsan - Seoul

In life only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes: No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistake. You are going to hurt people. You are going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, theres really only one thing you can say..

I forgive you..

Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we'll be lucky enough to forget.

Gangnam - Seoul

Please do not underestimate her, for if you do you will have missed so much.

There is a lot about her that she doesn’t like to share. She has her reasons. Don’t ask about those either. Sometimes words fail her. She tries to speak and they get jumbled for no reason. It makes her speech cautious at times. Yet she talks all the time about meaningless things, just so she won’t have to talk about what really matters. The things that never pass her lips are the things she feels the most deeply. Watch her eyes. They will tell you what you need to know. Watch her smile. It will give away even more.

Sometimes her heart feels like it is going to burst because of all the love it has welled up inside. She cannot begin to describe her capacity to love. Do not confuse it with her being in love. It is not the same. She can love someone completely and unconditionally without ever slipping into that moment. There was a time in her life where she felt safe and warm inside the arms of strangers because they would sing gently to her, and wipe the tears from her face. She is just passing on what they taught her..

She gets overwhelmed by people the first time. She is an observer until she is comfortable. Some people think it is her being aloof. But she watches everything so closely that there isn’t time for her to be involved.

She thinks that she makes people uneasy at times. Some have seen her as intimidating and they were not afraid to share this with her. This troubles her greatly, even though many years have passed.

Her willpower can be, at times, iron strong.

She likes the metallic taste of her blood when she accidentally scratches a scab off. She likes the chemical smell of gasoline even though prolonged exposure causes cancer.

She has been asleep.

She is starting to wake up.

She is like an onion ... layer of cells upon layers of cells. She is waiting for someone to peel her apart.

She is someone.....

COEX Shopping Complex - Seoul

There's something wrong with me. I'm happy. And i'm worried sick for the fact that I'm happy. I dont know what's the reason is. Who or what made me happy.


It's neither valium nor prozac.
So whoever/whatever u r, be it a ghost/shadow/alien out there....

Thank you.

COEX Shopping Complex - Seoul

She meant it in another way. In the nicest possible way, of a different context entirely. She was sharing. Sharing is good.

And she was happy. You can tell from her voice. She said it with a sparkle in his voice. She was truly enjoying the moment. Her moment. Clearly reflected in that smile on her face. That big warm smile. The kind that can melt you down to your knees.

And i was happy for her. Was I left with any other options? Any other would have changed her mood. Soon if not instantaneous. Do I have the heart? Taking away the joy that is so genuine. The kind of joy that sets you glowing and beeming.

To fade the smile? Not for a minute would I let it disappear. Never!

But am i happy?

Somewhere near COEX - Seoul

(i)
The gloomy sky is a picture perfect of how I’m feeling today. I’m constantly reminded of the saying “Don’t be too happy for sadness may just peek at you around the corner”. True enough.. it didn’t wait much longer to jump on me. I can’t say that i didn’t see it coming. It definitely was gonna happen. It’s just a matter of when. How can I be sure of it? Because it happened the last time. And i don’t intend sit through the lesson over again. I’ve been taught well the last time around and making the same mistake twice would only make me a bigger fool.

(ii)
I regret this. Very much. But on the other hand, I don’t know how else it could turn out to be. I can only see one ending, the not so nice ending, the ending that has ended. It would be really great if things could prolong on and on and on and on and on……. But, who am i kidding?