Everland - South Korea

Dear Diary,

Almost every year I put up a list of new year resolution in my head and when it comes to the end of that year, somehow I can not remember any of it anymore. Well, it is not because I managed to fulfill all of the things or found the solutions to vote out any of those wishful-thinking wishes. It is probably because by the time I stick the idea or wish into my head, at almost infinitesimal time I will forget it, bluntly.

So this year, apart from the promise to myself of to be a better person (a little bit better than the year before), I'm wishing of these:

My family can understand me more.
My partner can understand me more.
My friends can love me more.

I’ll get the Harry Potter wand and his magic power.
The world can be a better place to live.

More people will fall in love gardening.
World leaders can stop any war and French kiss each other.

Malaysian driver should be more mindful on the road.
Malaysian should not be like Singaporean.
People will wake up one morning and start to recycle.

All my friends will eat more and becomes fat.

So you all, Happy New Year 2008!

Everland - South Korea

It's only less than 3 days to new year. Time flew so fast, it felt just like whenever you are reaching towards the end of a tunnel... the aftermath; it's either u feel relieved or suffocated. Metaphorically speaking.

I missed blogging so much. Some of the fellow bloggers whom i read their blog religiously quit blogging or on hiatus. I was planning to do the same thing but i still love it. It was there when i needed someone the most, when i thought I'll go crazy whenever I'm having breakdown. It was there when i wrote about my inner thoughts, sobbing while typing some sappy entries. It was there when i cursed the universe about my bad luck. Basically, it was there for me and i know it will always be. And i don't have the heart to abandon it. Just yet.

Whenever i re-read some of my previous entries... i laughed, i swore and i must admit, i do write some brilliant shit about my so called pathetic life. Back then, it was so easy to spill out everything all over because i couldn't care less about what people think about my entries. I just write and write and write. Until i got so overwhelmed with responses from fellow bloggers/readers who reads my blog. I was afraid of hurting other people's feeling with my entries. I was scared of the judgment and assumptions. I drafted numerous times. Just to make it sound perfect. And all of a sudden it felt so fake. Let's just say, I've lost my touch. Heheheh... bunyi mcm hustler tuh. :-P and the laziness hit me rock bottom.

Anyway, my new resolution... to continue writing. and get back to my original 'niat' right from the birth of this blog - to write for myself. not for other people. to make sense of things happening in my life. even if it sounded pathetic and sick most of the time, it's ok though it's mine. my life.

happy new year, love!

새해 복 많이 받으세요~~!!

*G-I-L-A*
ME,Hyeon-Jin,Hana
Annyang

In time of test, family is best.

Selamat Hari Natal

Krismas bersama Homestay family di Annyang
22 Dis - 25 Dis

Pulau Angsa, Selat Melaka. November 2006. Di atas jari kaki, menjinjing tari. Seronok dapat mempersenda masa dan menampi kreativiti. Tiada siapa boleh kritik.

Dan sebagaimana hidup ini dilihat terlalu optimis, yang ladangnya untuk kita raih amalan sebanyak mungkin, membaja ketaatan seboleh-boleh, yang jangka-hayatnya dipinjamkan sementara;

dan yang sebenarnya hidup itu terbit membawa sentak-sentak realiti yang menduga, (*) pada masa-masa pra-matang, atau mungkin pasca-detik alpa, yang inginkan pengajaran, ia melemahkan jiwa dan menghancurkan rasa.

Dan, kita ini siapa?

(*) = untuk mereka yang mahu fikir dan teliti dengan mindanya

Kusam

Memandang kematian, saat yang dirasakan paling sayu dan memilukan bagiku adalah ketika jenazah itu dimandikan.

Bersama kesuraman suasana dan masa yang merengsa, keluarga dan sanak-saudara diminta, seorang demi seorang, mencapai dan mencecah air lalu membasahkan tubuh yang terkujur kaku dan rela.

Dan bila aku melihat mereka ini sebak, tertimpa duka dan berjuraian airmata, aku tersentuh sekali. Aku merasakan ia adalah saat satu di mana kehilangan itu amat dalam, dan terlangsung dirasakan.

Aku pasti, sepanjang arwah hidup, jarang atau tidak pun sekali pernah dia disirami orang-orang ini, tidak pernah dimanjakan sampai sebegini. Namun bila nyawa sudah tidak lagi menetap di jasad, dia dimandikan dan diusap, dibelai dan ditangisi, buat terakhir kali.

Sinikal.

Dan bila siraman dingin meresapi ke ubun-ubun jenazah yang kesejukan itu, aku bagai terasa ia seperti membasahi akar jemalaku sendiri. Aku teringatkan, aku juga pasti, di suatu hari, sebegitu.

p/s : 26 Disember 2000 - Al-Fatihah untukmu

Oh! the snow, the beautiful snow

I believe-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe-
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays have passed .

I believe-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe. I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest..Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.

World Cup Stadium Lake Park - Seoul
+
photoshop + lightroom

On Me ….

It has been approximately 2 weeks now. I think I’ve been pretty decent so far. The ride was rough. But I’m quite proud of myself actually, for being able to stand tall and still carry myself as it is now. I know I’ve picked myself up from the low point of my life. I’m glad I did. Now, it’s an uphill battle for me to continue my journey to god-knows-where land.

Congratulations ~~!!

On Others …

On another note, the past 2 weeks have also been pretty rough for me and most of my friends too. Hang in there mates. Keep the faith. What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

On Expectations and Frustrations …

Hopes, expectations, frustration. It’s all too familiar. I always tell myself (and others too at times) that more so often, it is not so much of the other who frustrates us the most but our own expectations that fails us devastatingly. And if we can actually accept that fact, perhaps we can handle the disappointment in a more moderate manner. Of course, who wouldn’t be disappointed when your expectations shatters to the ground? It’s only normal for us to feel that way. But we don’t have to be totally utterly frustrated about it. It’s the bitterness in us for not being able to deal with disappointment that often results in frustration.

On Changing …

People have told me that I’m a changed person from who I was 5, 7 years ago. I tell myself I’m a changed person. Because I am. I’ve grown up. I’ve learned. I’ve moved on. You don’t change in one day. And you don’t just decide to change to become something else. It’s a process that you go through day by day that changes you. And that process is called living. Your environment changes you. Your experience changes you. Your hopes and expectations changes you. Bit by bit, it changes you. You just become. Whether you consciously allow it or not, it does have an effect on you.

On Tidying Up …

I’ve been doing quite a number of ’spring cleanings’. Having so many on my ‘list’ doesn’t actually mean much because effectively, it’s how many that has you in their ‘list’ that matters. It’s quality that matters and not quantity. It’s so true.

I love photoshopping~~!!!

I’m fascinated about how the media affects society. From music to TV, the news just anything. Our society is so tuned to the tube, we forget what reality means.

*no comment*

Antara terang dan kabur - Kyongju - South Korea

True Love - is it predestined?

(i)
My answer would be….no. What is “true love” anyways? We fall in love with the people we are around, people we have the same interest in and so forth. I personally don’t believe that everyone has that “one soul mate” and that its possible to fall in love with many people and probably have successful marriages with them as well. Obviously not all at once but, depending on what choices you make in life depends on who you will come in contact with. Love is a complicated thing that is definitely portrayed in many different ways and many people just think that love and sex go hand in hand. I believe this is why sex is such a huge topic in our society. Sex becomes synonymous with love and after all, who doesn’t want to be loved?

(ii)
I always wondered what the person is thinking when that person is constantly telling their “current” lover they love them. Then the cycle starts over again. Would that make the person doubt what’s real and what isn’t? Including believing sex is the only way to make a relationship thrive. By going through this cycle, would this hinder their thoughts of livelihood satisfaction and happiness?

Place taken - Unknown

I don't believe in soul mates. But sometimes, it's nice to think that somewhere in this gargantuan planet is actually a special someone just for you. Two people so singled out by destiny and fate to wind up being with each other, no matter how long it took. If the two of you were pre-destined, then you're meant to be. In one way or another, at some point in time, no matter how long the wait, you would end up in each other's arms.

The idea of having a soul mate is nice. It's pleasant. It's ideal. But it's surreal. It isn't life. In life, it is pointless to wait for such a long time, and for what? For hope? For two people to keep on waiting for that one miraculous day when they haplessly bump into each other by kismet, and significantly change their lives the moment they lay eyes upon the other, is simply preposterous. Waiting is one of the most excruciating types of pain. To subject one's self to such is no act of self-preservation, but a cruel ride to a slow and lonely death.

Maybe it’s not the possibility that I’m drawn to, but the tragedy. Because true romance is fleeting, and it doesn’t happen in real life. Somehow, while crossing through the bonds of reality and imagination, true romance loses its essence. And what we’re left with… is mere fantasy.

It is what it is – tragic.

Seoul Land - South Korea

(i)
It's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

(ii)
I think it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it's the most painful thing you have to do, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. I think it's better to have someone.

(iii)
Some days the whole world seems upside down. And then some how, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again.

Seoul Land - South Korea

People always say, you win some, you lose some. I do believe in it. But the weightage of what we lose and win is different. None are of the same weightage. None will be on the indifference curve. None will even out the impact of the other. Sighh..

Click Here for More Pictures

Seoul Land - South Korea - Sunset + photoshop

No matter how much your head might be spinning or how you feel like your head is about to explode to pieces, never, i mean never ever put axe brand oil (minyak cap kapak) on the back of your neck. NEVER! It stings so bad that u feel like putting ice on it. Urghhh….

Just over shower just now, a few things popped up in my mind. Don’t get ideas about what i do in the shower, i WAS having shower. Anyway, i can’t really trace back my train of thoughts back then but what i do remember most while stepping out of shower was my late grandpa whom i called simply as Atuk. He’s my grandpa from abah’s side. He passed away at the age of 63 when i was about 12 or 13 or so. He was a very simple man, man of few words but wise and pious. You see, we weren’t actually the closest grandson/grandpa couple but i loved him dear. I don’t have much recollection of memory of us both having conversations. Partly coz when i reached the age when i was a talkative rascal, he was rather much senile. Also the fact that we hardly go back to kampung when i was schooling because it was far. Far as in cross the border.

Everytime i think of him, i can smell him and the picture of him would live in my thoughts so vividly. And usually, it will always be the same memory of him. I can still remember how i used to wait for him to come back from Asar prayers from the mosque. After Asar, he’d walk back from the mosque and sit on the bench in front of the house. He’d sit there quietly while berzikir with his tasbih. Everybody knew better not to disturb him. Then came along me, struggling badly to get onto the bench. Succeeding that, i’d snuggle up and make my self comfortable in his lap. He didn’t seem to mind me at all. While he was busy berzikir, i was busy playing with his long white beard. I guess at that age, i thought i could comb his long white beard with ma little fingers. And in 15 minutes or so, his 2 best friends would come and sit outside with him. They’d talk and talk endlessly. Later my grandma would prepare and serve tea for all three of them. I guess after living with a person for more than 40 years, you’ll live to know his routine by heart. They’d talk and talk until it was near Maghrib. I could never figure out what they were talking about. At times, my dad and my uncles would join in their endless conversation and again i can’t make up head or tail about it . But even if could understand what they were talking about, i still couldn’t figure out what it was because usually i’d be asleep already in he’s lap while playing with his white beard. Nearing Maghrib, he would carry me and place me on the sofa, take his abolution and make his way to the mosque again. It was his daily routine.

I miss him. I missed that comfort i had with him. I’m not sad or happy now. I just missed him. I missed my days with him, when everything was really simple as he was. With no worries and no sadness. It was all the comfort of care and love that was unspoken between a grandpa and his grandson.

Al-fatihah to my late Atuk. May Allah bless you both and puts you amongst His loved ones.

~ Amin.